


Choke

by wonuji



Series: inspired by songs [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, jeonghan centric, might make you cry, slight implied suicidal thoughts, the other characters are just mentioned at times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 10:17:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8397736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonuji/pseuds/wonuji
Summary: Jeonghan wakes up to the faint smell of pancakes and the smell of fresh cotton and peppermint.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in under 3 hours. I had the idea while listening to One Republic's Choke hence the title name. I recommend you listen to the song while reading. I read over it once so sorry for any mistakes.

_Well I see breakfast on the table_

_And I can smell you in the halls_

 

Jeonghan wakes up to the faint smell of pancakes and the smell of fresh cotton and peppermint.

 

“Jisoo~” He calls out from the bundle of blankets wrapped around him; not wanting to move out of bed.

 

“Yes love?” Jisoo appears at the bedroom door dressed nicely for the day with an apron around him to protect his clothes. Jeonghan looks at him through sleepy eyes and smiles.

 

“Nothing I just wanted to see you.” Jeonghan nuzzles into the blankets as Jisoo comes to sit on the bed beside him and fix the stray strands of hair on Jeonghan’s head.

 

“I made pancakes Hannie. Let’s get up and eat them together before we go to work okay?” He says in a soft voice that is like music to Jeonghan’s ears. Jeonghan nods and sits up and pecks Jisoo’s cheek.

 

“I’ll wash up and be there soon okay?” Jisoo just nods and leaves the room to wash up for another wonderful morning spent with the love of his life.

 

It wasn’t but a few minutes until the work day was over; he then could return home to Jisoo making dinner. Ten minutes before closing the police showed up at the small and quiet flower shop. Jeonghan was confused. He hoped everything was okay.

 

“Are you Yoon Jeonghan?” The officer read off the paper he was holding and Jeonghan nodded; holding the small bundle of flowers he specially picked for Jisoo.

 

_“Lilac’s are my favorite. They smell nice and remind me of you.”_

 

“Yes. Is something wrong?” He tries not to let his mind wander. It was probably just something small.

 

“Your uh..boyfriend. He got into an accident. Poor boy got hit by a speeding car crossing the street. I’m sorry to tell you this..but he didn’t make it. He told my partner to give you these. They got messed up from the accident and they have a bit of blood on them, but he insisted we get these to you.” He gave Jeonghan a box and gave him some space.

 

Jeonghan was speechless. He couldn’t comprehend what he was just told. Jisoo isn’t dead. He couldn’t be. This was all a mistake. They’ve got the wrong Yoon Jeonghan. Jeonghan set down the flowers in his other hand and carefully opened the box. He saw the bright blue flowers that were falling off their stems barely holding on. He dropped the box and sobbed.

 

_“My favorite is Forget-me-not’s. They’re pretty and when someone gives them as a gift that means they want to remember you forever. I think that’s romantic.”_

 

_Lord knows I’d cry if I was able_

_But that won’t get me through tomorrow_

_And no it’s not like I was counting_

_Or thought that we’d run out of days_

_So I’ll be holding onto something_

_Breathing the air you took away_

 

“Jeonghan answer the door. I know you're in there. Come on you can’t do this. It’s his funeral Jeonghan! You have to go!” Jihoon, Jisoo’s good friend, bangs on the door before he hears another voice and soon a loud bang; they busted in.

 

“Seungcheol Jesus fucking Christ.” He heard Jihoon swear at him and soon heard footsteps towards his room.

 

“Jeonghan come on- woah.” Jihoon and Seungcheol looked around the room with big eyes. Everything was covered in blue and purple flowers. They made Seungcheol sneeze.

 

“Go away. I have nowhere to go.” Jeonghan hides under the blankets and mumbles.

 

“Jeonghan look I understand. You’re in denial. I would be too, but you have to go to his funeral. You have to say goodbye one last time.” Jihoon walked over as Seungcheol stood out the door and covered his nose. Jihoon pulled the blanket off Jeonghan and recognized the hoodie he was wearing; it was Jisoo’s favorite.

 

“You can’t let yourself get like this Jeonghan. Think of him. He wouldn’t want to see you like this.” Jihoon held Jeonghan’s hand and looked at him.

 

“He was my best friend. We were like brothers. It’s hard. It will take a while but you will accept this. He can’t come back. No matter how much you want him to.” Jeonghan lips quivered as he stared at Jihoon and burst into tears; hiding his face in the others shoulders. Jihoon held him close and mouthed to Seungcheol to find Jeonghan’s suit.

 

Jeonghan took one last look at Jisoo. Tears silently streaming down his face. He held his cold lifeless hand that once was filled with such warmth. He took a deep breath and stuck a bundle of forget-me-not’s and lilac’s in his hands. He glanced at Jisoo’s pale face and whispered I love you. He couldn’t say goodbye just yet. The others waiting to pay their respects kept their distance and when Jeonghan was ready he pressed a kiss to Jisoo’s head and said goodbye. He turned away to see everyone looking at him and when Jihoon came up to him Jeonghan shook his head and waited on the side for them to close the casket and drop Jisoo down into the ground. Jeonghan watched in silence and disappeared before anyone could try to comfort him. He didn’t want to be held. If it wasn’t Jisoo’s arms. He didn’t want to be in them.

 

_I’ll keep a picture of you on the wall_

_And choke on the memories_

_I’ll keep a message of you if you call_

_And choke on the memories_

_Choke, Choke_

 

Everything seemed normal. It had been a couple of months since Jisoo’s death. The world was fine. Jeonghan wasn’t fine though. He quit his job at the flower shop. He couldn’t bring himself to work there anymore. Not when the forget-me-not’s reminded him of the day of Jisoo’s death. He got a part time job at the cafe Jihoon likes to go to. It didn’t get him much, but was enough to pay rent.

 

He couldn’t sleep in their room anymore. He bought a couch that could be turned into a bed and rarely went into the bedroom. He found himself wearing Jisoo’s hoodie more and more. He didn’t feel like wearing anything else.

 

Everything was left the way it was. It was like nothing had changed. Sometimes Jeonghan would come home from work and call out for Jisoo only to be greeted by silence and not the sound of his sweet voice welcoming him home. Those days were the hardest.

 

When Jeonghan would see the photo’s of them together on the mantelpiece, photos from when they first met, their first date, and their first anniversary, he would sob so hard that he felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. Jeonghan felt the pain grow in his chest. His body felt like it was on fire. He held onto his neck and gasped for breath. Trying to get his lungs to work properly. He always felt lightheaded and he hoped that today was the day he could join Jisoo again.

 

Jeonghan’s visioned blurred into one color like always and he passed out holding desperately onto the photo of Jisoo.When he opened his eyes the next day he smelt it again. The smell of Jisoo. The smell of morning breakfast. Was this it? Did he really get to be with Jisoo again? Did he finally join him in the after life? He got up and looked around the room to find a quiet empty house; Jisoo nowhere in sight. Jeonghan sighed and laid down on the couch. He was gone. He had to stop fooling himself. Jisoo is probably watching him and he would be disappointed in him to see him like this. Jeonghan curled up and closed his eyes. If he slept he could run away from reality and meet Jisoo in his dreams.

 

_Well I’ve been looking for some new words_

_To say just how you got to me_

_I wrote some letters that I might burn_

_Cause then you’re not just history_

_And I see your clothes in the closet_

_I hear your phone ring in the drawer_

_I’m not hoping for an answer_

_I’m just knocking at your door_

 

It took almost a full year for Jeonghan to be able to sleep in the bedroom again. With the help of Jihoon he was able to start enjoying the little things life brought him. Jihoon made Jeonghan get a cat to him cope. Jeonghan named him Joshua; Jisoo’s english name. Jeonghan cared for Joshua so much. The two were stuck to each other like glue.

Jeonghan had took up writing after meeting a writer at the cafe named Wonwoo. He told Jeonghan that writing helps him cope with the mental illness he has. Jeonghan hoped that maybe it would help him too. Jeonghan wrote letters to Jisoo every night. Telling him about his day. Telling him about Joshua. Telling him about how he’s trying to get better for him. He takes those letters and leaves them at Jisoo’s tombstone along with a small bundle of lilacs and forget-me-nots.

 

Jihoon comes over and tells Jeonghan he needs to get rid of Jisoo’s things. Jeonghan is upset and refuses. He doesn’t want to touch Jisoo’s things and Jihoon is trying so hard to be patient with Jeonghan. Jeonghan tells him what if it was Seungcheol and Jihoon realizes it can’t be that easy. Jeonghan sleeps that night in Jisoo’s clothes. It was a step backwards in his journey but it brought him such comfort.

 

That morning someone knocks on the door and asks for Jisoo. Jeonghan muttered “he’s dead” and started to sob and the man who claims to be an old colleague is stunned. He leaves Jeonghan at the door. It’s winter and it’s freezing, but Jeonghan can’t move. Jihoon visits him and finds the door open and a sleeping Jeonghan in the hall. He tells Seungcheol to set him on the couch and starts cooking some breakfast for him.

 

_I keep a picture of you on the wall_

_And choke on the memories_

 

Jeonghan dreams of Jisoo. They leave to go on their tenth anniversary date. Jeonghan is swinging at the park and laughing as Jisoo tells him jokes and takes pictures of him. Jisoo tells Jeonghan that he is the most beautiful person in the world. Jeonghan blushes and denies it, but Jisoo get’s up and leans on one knee in front of Jeonghan.

 

Jeonghan stares down at him stunned. Jisoo smiles sheepishly and pulls out a velvet box with two small rings in it; each engraved with their initials. He holds Jeonghan’s left hand and talks to him in that soft sweet voice of his.

 

_“Will you marry me?”_

 

Jeonghan starts to cry and nod his head quickly. Jisoo puts the ring on his finger and puts his on as well and holds Jeonghan so close to him. Jeonghan is crying and he doesn’t want to ever let him go.

 

_“Let’s go buy you some forget-me-nots.”_

 

_“Why?”_

 

_“They’re your favorite, silly.”_

 

_“No. Not anymore.”_

 

_“What? Why?”_

 

_“I love forget-me-nots, but if I had to chose. You are my favorite flower in the universe.”_

 

_“You’re so cheesy Hannie. Let’s go home. I have another surprise for you.”_

 

Jeonghan is laying beside Jisoo with his arms wrapped around his naked torso. He admires the way Jisoo’s skin glistens in the moonlight. Jeonghan thinks if he was a painter he would paint Jisoo over and over again. He doesn’t want the day to end but his eyes feel heavy and he knows sleep is coming to him. He curls up to Jisoo more and starts to fall asleep in his arms. His hand in Jisoo’s; their rings touching and making Jeonghan fall asleep with a small smile. He couldn’t wait to wake up to morning breakfast with Jisoo like always.

 

_Well I see breakfast on the table_

_And I can smell you in the halls_

 

Jeonghan wakes up to the smell of pancakes and fresh cotton and peppermint. He turns to hide from the light and his face is met with a well built stomach; he’s confused because it smells like Jisoo but doesn’t feel like Jisoo.. His eyes flutter open and he see’s Seungcheol staring down at him. He furrows his brows and lifts his head to see Jihoon setting pancakes on the table.

 

“No...no….” He mumbles as his eyes start to water.

 

He looks down at his hand and sees no ring. He weakly calls out for Jisoo and get’s no reply. Jihoon and Seungcheol are there trying to comfort him but it’s no use. Jeonghan feels absolutely broken. He needs Jisoo. He needed him more than Jisoo ever knew. He’s angry and upset. He’s mad at the world for taking his love away from him.

 

He took a deep breath and told Jihoon that he would be going somewhere and to pack breakfast for him. Jihoon, although worried, just nodded and did as he was told. Jeonghan left to change into some clean clothes and grabbed the bag of food from Jihoon. He told them to watch Joshua and not to worry. He would be back soon.

 

It was cold and windy but when Jeonghan sat in front of Jisoo’s tombstone eating pancakes and talking to him he felt relieved. Jeonghan knew he could never ever get over Jisoo but he knew that one day he will be with him again and he has to live on for Jisoo for as long as he could.

 

Jeonghan visited Jisoo’s grave every day. He brought flowers and letters and sometimes ate lunch with him. He talked to him about his day and about how he was chosen as the best man for Jihoon’s wedding. Jeonghan tells Jisoo how he wished they could have gotten married one day. Jeonghan looks down and feels the tears coming but he sniffles and wipes them away.

  
“One day Jisoo. We can be together for eternity. Just wait for me.” Jeonghan pressed a kiss to the tombstone and left a violet tulip on it as he walked off to their apartment.

**Author's Note:**

> Flower meanings:  
> Lilacs - first love  
> Forget-me-nots - remember me forever  
> Violet tulips - faithfulness 
> 
> Sorry if it seems rushed at the end I have class to go to after this. Please tell me how you like it I haven't wrote a sad fic like this in a while. Also maybe follow me on twt if you want to cry over svt together @duyeou


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